I was International Man first

I make my way to the International Bar
Rickshaw man, he's good, knows the way there for sure
It's in the Latin quarter near the Centre Leisure
I tip him a sou, don't care, just for good measure

They say there's an arctic puma new on the scene
White suit, teeth and pocket chain, who else can they mean?
Yes I want a love affair, a rendezvous tonight
Some contemporary romance then I'll take that flight

Drive with me now through the rains of Luxembourg
Down to the dockyards on Rue St Petersbourg
There's a bed we can use if we pay off the Whore
It's in the bosun's cabin in Old Bangalore

according to Amazon, women are on the moon

im currently reading 'Men are from Ruislip, Women are from Luxembourg' and i can honestly say it's the most fucking shit book i've read in yearses

the author claims to have worked on a merchant navy ship based in southern India.

Lies, all lies

honi soit qui mal you ponce

The cynics would have you believe that there's no such thing as genuine blue blood but i can tell you, as Lord-at-Arms' Cushion-Bearer for the Royal Tampon that for 7 moon-commanded days of every calendar month for the last 150 years I have witnessed fist-hand every shade of the azurest hue bespatter and truly sop the soft fabric of the Auld Ermine pessar-sponge. For one and one half of a century I have performed this solemn and vital duty without renumeration, recognition or legal status and not once, NOT ONCE, have i ever taken the cushion-borne blood-soaked tasty-looking Ermine back to the Cuntery to suck on it.

and i've got the pictures of me not doing it hosted here as proof

Perfect for a flying Mooney Hun

Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away
If you can use some exotic booze there's a bar in Bangalore

For no man

I Think I'm Tom Waits

I think i'm Tom Waits
I smoke a lot of cig-a-rettes
Drink a lot of whiskey-o
Except I call it bourbon, yes

had this dame and then i didnt
sold her to a Winnebago
bought a knife and killed the moon
cried for Joe Di Maggio

drove a car into a ditch
cos it looked at me funny
ate a piece of grumble pie
goddam dog ate all my money

born and raised in Omaha
jailed and bailed in Bangalore
honeymooned in Witchita
drowned and died in your mum, the whore

what's that, buzz?

'My dad went to the moon and all i got was this lousy piece of rock'

- T-shirt spotted on Neil Armstrong Jr, 1976

rightly read how wrong he was at General NASA's attack on Israel, Bangalore

spank your lucky ones

Today's stars: Capricorn

It's been a perilous week for you. There is danger everywhere and that's set to continue for the next 50 years. Avoid walking on the edges of cliffs, always drive in first gear, never take a plane anywhere with a vowel in the title and above all, stay away from death machines. Also, call your uncle Jack. He's sick and will die, I guarantee it.

Don't bother with the Bangalore Bosun neither - he'll fuck you then he'll kill you

across dick

My first is in B and my last is in Bosun
My next is in A and my last is in Bosun
My next is in N and my last is in Bosun
My next is in G and my last is in Bosun
My next is in A and my last is in Bosun
My next is in L and my last is in Bosun
My next is in O and my last is in Bosun
My next is in R and my last is in Bosun
My next is in E and my last is in Bosun
My next is in B and my last is in Bosun
My next is in O and my last is in Bosun
My next is in S and my last is in oh fuck it fuck off fuck it fuck off

Pooh sticks, apparently

yes, I ate shit once...

SO FUCKING WHAT!

i gotta do what i gotta do to suvive. I'm looking after number one. What's good for you is bad for Dave Dobbler and i'm in the business of what's not bad for Dave Dobbler.

so if I have to eat one lousy shit to get by then i eat one lousy shit. Jeez, you'd think my reputation would be composed of more than just a single, misjudged 15 minutes spent in a 6-star restaurant in Bangalore

A Marathon Session

Go on, admit it. When you saw Paula Radcliffe break down in hot, salty tears after running 22 miles without success, your hands travelled in a southerly direction stopping just below the midriff and grabbed onto whatever was available. I bet you shedded some hot, milky tears that night. You dirty wanker.

What will god do to you?

Find out here

Overheard at Evensong

I never fucked that Zombie. I swear it guy, I never fucked her. The closest I gots was a bit of oral and that weren't finished neither. She was up for it, oh yeah, she was up for it alright. But there was no fucking way what with her still-alive husband and his bruvvers fucking chasing me round the island with a macrame or whatever. Sorry guv, that's my story and i'm sticking to it. Yeah, milk and two, please, milk and two.

The Bangalore Bosun

Hop, trip and dump

(shhhhhhhhh-whuPP....buppa-doo)

'Smoke and Love, Soma twins and noodles noir
Take back the cigarettes in the dark cafe bar'

(shhhhhhhhh-whuPP....buppa-doo doo doo BUP)

Ah yes, I remember Trip Hop. Unfortunately.

For more purely written representations of downtempo mid 90's fad-music, go to Bombay and turn left

I can't 'handle' it no more

Your wife's got no cock?

How the bloody hell are you going to cope?

How will you feed the kids?

Goodness gracious god, shut up shut up, I can't bear to hear any more tales of disgusting mutancy in your life. That's a week of wanks ruined already. I better get them all over with today.

For help with this terrible affliction I suggest you contact sexy therapist and high-powered divorce lawyer, General Tommy Franks

women - can't beat 'em.... these days

join the support group for husbands dumbstruck in the face of feminine domestic irrationality at the last place left on earth where you can actually say something without fear of ball-icking reprisals - The Bangalore Bosun, 12 steps of pure manly sorrow

practice makes ferpect

im copying all my jokes from The Bangalore Bosun - the Cunt of Funny

coming soon to an email near you

Who's the most temperamental doctor in the world?

Harold Shipman - because he was always 'losing his patients'

I didnt get that here

Road to Scarborough

Read all about the fascinating 20 year court battle between Alan Bennett and David Byrne over who has the right to call themselves "Mr Talking Heads" - of particular amusement is when they both took their roadshows to adjacent Las Vegas casinos and the battle of the billboards escalated into all-out death.

It's at the Bangalore Bosun, you fuck

Got Dob?

Hey pal,

Long time...I've just found this really great site on the net where you can extend the size of your viagra, get your penis reduced and meet great septic tanks who love to refinance. Take a look, it's really awesome

A friend

rsvp

Cardinal Ziggurat of the Diocese of New Rome entreats you to join him at the quinquennial bumming of the Bastard

While you're thinking about it, go take better Communion at The Bangalore Bosun of all places

romancing the war of the momma from the taxi

Who do you think you are anyway?

Tony DeVito?

Find out just who you do think you are at the Bangalore Bosun, anyway

Poo ca change, Poo scent la meme chose

Worried that your blog and millions like it is nothing more than a poor derivation of the successful diary "A Year in Provence" by Peter Mayles?

You should be.

Salt, Peppa n' Springderella

When Summer turns to Winter, you've got to wonder 'where was Autumn when we needed it?'

I'll tell you where.

Here.

It's Sunday

That's my funday
My 'I don't have to run' day

Surely this song should be banned from being played during today's Olympics. It shows gross sensitivity and could result in severe psychological damage. Those fuckers at the Bangalore Bosun aren't responsible.

Ummathurmanagammarayparkerjunior

To celebrate the Olympics, the Greeks have released a new letter into their alphabet. To be placed right after Epsilon, it is called 'Feta' but so far no words or tasty dairy products have been invented to use it. Spread it on thick at the Bangalore Bosun

He's Allman

Butch Trucks, was ever there more manlier a drummer than he? He's offering one lucky reader the chance for a two-week ride on his big rig. To be in with a chance of winning, send your answers to the Bangalore Bosun, The Docks, Bangalore

make a mess on her 'twin towers'

Oh i almost forgot to add that you can also get information on the rules and regulations of sticking a finger right up into your bum and what effect, if any, september the 11th has had on it.

Once again, that's to be found at the Bangalore Bosun, where globalisation meets masturbation but they don't shake hands.

Off my titles

I found the guidelines on good wanking practices over at the Bangalore Bosun - a must for anyone involved with wanking on a public, commercial or industrial scale

hands up who wants what

'Handless' Hans Hanson of Hunan invites you to touch him on the willy at this secret location

heed my word

Ever start a blog post with absolutely no idea what to say? Yeah, i know mate, yeah, me too mate, yeah, cheers mate. Now shut up.

i've got one word of advice for you:

ALWAYS FIND INSPIRATION AT THE BANGALORE BOSUN, ATTORNEY-AT-LAW

Plainly on the Main

Ever been to Spain?

It's lovely isn't it?

And I should know because I found this out over at the Bangalore Bosun, where the entire Iberian Peninsula is guest-blogging all this week

tuna-flavoured Tunes - why not?

Remember that bloke with the cold who wanted 'a first class ticket to Dottingham?'

Wasn't he hilarious?! Wouldn't you love to know what happened to him? It's an amazing story, they say

The Bangalore Bosun doesn't have it

cast your bait to the wind

What's your favourite film? Titanic? Alphaville? The Bicycle Thief? Star Wars? American Cocksucking Championship 6? Why not pop along to the Bangalore Bosun where they're holding an open casting for all your favourite films - just register, pay a hundred pounds and wait for the phone call.

sweet georgia brown on my mind

a little known fact is that if you send a letter to Georgia, USA it can easily end up in the central posting office in Tblisi, Georgia. Yet if you were to send the same letter from Tblisi, Georgia to Georgia, USA, it gets immediately diverted to this defunct post office in the naval district of Bangalore.

Do you know the way to Bangalore?

I'm lost you see. I got as far as Rawalpindi but now i'm lost. Hey, take your hands off that. That's my wife's. No, you can't lick them. Stop it. Go away.

Thank you, officer

black eye or brown, sir?

Wasn't it the Bangalore Bosun who, when just 13 years old, first said to his father during an altercation

"Suck my cock"

to his DAD?!

Yes.

Yes it was

you dirty pdf file

Hey Kids!

Look at the tits on this!

Know you're right

The Clash were a good band weren't they?

Bangalore Bosun

Like a Whoreicane

Been out fucking again have you? If I find out you've been fucking any more of my family I'll have you clipped, you understand? Now take your fucksheet over to The Bangalore Bosun to get it stamped, scored and verified you shexshy bitscsh, you

The Meek shall inherit the earthworms

For the rest of us nasty bastards, find out what exactly is coming to you via doomsday blogger, The Bangalore Bosun, the accurate predictor of all things future.

I've got a nice minicab firm in North London and a big cream cake coming to me

The Manhattan Transfer Project

Go nuclear in four-part jazz harmony and skibedeboo on down to the Bangalore Bosun where hot jazz and cold coffee always comes free

i'll have a bag of pickled fancies...

and a lifetime's supply of pig guts. Lucky dip going on, guess where, at all things to all men The Bangalore Bosun

West Side!

Register your disgust with American Gangsta Rap's growing pernicious influence on West African music at the Bangalore Bosun, petitioneer to the stars

Playing with your Gogglies?

Looking for naked pictures of famous strumpets? Aguilera? Spears? Keller? Then look no further than the Bangalore Bosun, where all human life is contained and revealed in exquisite detail. No nudey pics of top pop bitches, though. What's the matter with you anyway? Can't you just fuck them? If it's that important to you to see, oh i don't know, Jordan for example, or maybe Syria, with their tits out then why don't you go round and fuck them instead of staying at home wanking about them? That's what I'd do.

Me neither

Ever wonder just which athletes are on drugs at the Olympics in Athens? For the complete list see Bangalore Bosun, at the IOC Headquarters, behind the bike sheds

The war on Terra starts here

Ever wondered what it's like to live on Earth? Find out at the Bangalore Bosun

Life is like a jowl of Barrys

So help me god i'll do you in
if you dont let me do a sin
so open up they fleshy 'tocks
and let me stick in 20 cocks

for further instructions please see the latest post of far instructions at the Bangalore Bosun, no less

You heard what i said, bitch

Suck my gun

Vitriol Pursuit

I blame George Lucas for the trivialisation of modern conflict. Whenever I hear on the news that Rebel Forces have captured some base or another, I think of that bearded-bastard plunderkind's childhood bore-weeviling wanking laser fantasy 'Star Wars' a few seconds before any hint of reality comes in. Help readdress the balance with a look at the true horror of war in the 21st century with that famed field-marshal of frothing fear, the Bangalore Bosun.

Even a stopped cock...

Time stands still
Nothing moves
Nothing budges
Life screeches to a halt
Which can be a problem
When you're on the toilet

Happily, I found the answer at the Bangalore Bosun

Shtup me if you've heard this one before

But did you ever see that programme on the television featuring an old merchant navy ship from the 18th yesteryear with a hard-edged Bosun of East Indian flavour?

Well he's back and blogging, all the time to be found at The Bangalore Bosun, Bosun House, Bangalore

Dearth of a Sailsman

if nobody ever died, we'd have no need for religion; guns; murderers; coffins. That's the kind of wisdom you cant just buy at the grocery store. No, it's only found at the Bangalore Bosun on 26th Street and 5th

Bloggeration

i've just seen someone commit bloggery, attempted bloggery and conspiracy to commit bloggery. his name is The Bangalore Bosun and he lives, loves and lavs bloggery..

First post the past

First time poster alert! WhooooOOOOOOoooooOOOOO! And already i've found an ocean in a world of seas - The Bangalore Bosun

Crazy name, sane guy. Like a piece of plainsong at evensong in the noonday chapel of morning love, he's the coffee in my cream and the sugar in my cane.